The Arrow of Shame : How the World Makes Us Feel—and How to Stop Blaming Ourselves

A powerful philosophical meditation on shame, the social emotion that pervades our lives—and isn’t merely in our headsFor far too long, we have been led to believe that shame is a feeling we inflict on ourselves. We are told to go easier on ourselves and practice self-compassion. But what happens when self-compassion isn’t enough? Why are we still self-conscious, insecure, or feeling like imposters? The Arrow of Shame gives relief to anyone who has ever blamed themselves for feeling bad. Philosopher Mariana Alessandri offers a new way of thinking about shame, blending personal stories and real-world examples of shaming with insights from figures such as Jean-Paul Sartre, Gloria Anzaldúa, Erving Goffman, Frantz Fanon, and Simone de Beauvoir. From mild embarrassment to outright self-loathing, shame is the feeling of being involuntarily exposed to judgment. For all of us, but especially for socially stigmatized groups, shame is neither self-caused nor optional. When shame’s arrow pierces us, we often ask, “What’s wrong with me?” when we should be asking, “What’s wrong?” Alessandri helps us to interrogate the shaming practices in society and to realize that, while unavoidable, feeling self-conscious is a perceptive, socially attuned response to a judgmental environment. This insightful, thought-provoking book offers a new lens through which readers can see how a shaming society encourages us to believe that we are being overly sensitive, that we are making things up, or that our feelings of unworthiness are all in our heads. We can’t avoid shame entirely, but we can stop blaming ourselves.